I want to be all clever, and write some amazing account of the myriad of emotions that I've experienced over the past two months, culminating in the pinnacle of nerves that was my afternoon commute into the familiar territory of what was once my undergraduate campus. But frankly, I cannae be bothered. I can barely put a sentence together right now; I don't think mornings agree with me. Most of my day was quite “meh”, tbh. I only had two lectures, one of which was a safety induction. Yawnsville!

There are about 20 of us, maybe less, on the course. 1:1 ratio of guys to gals, with the majority of gals being bionerds, and a smattering of various other disciplines amongst the guys. One of the women was actually more research experienced than me. Not only did she have a PhD in Endocrinology (she worked on growth hormone, whereas I worked on progesterone signalling), she also spent a year as a postdoc afterwards. Isn't that a poke in the eye for the people hating on me for taking this course? Okay, maybe not 'hating'… I've just heard a lot of “Haven't you studied enough, Mehzabeen, har har”. Yeah, hilarious. Hrm…

Though, the absolute highlight of my day was when I asked the computing lecturer if having a Mac would be problematic for the programming aspect of the course. I have spent the last fortnight worrying that I'd have to buy a regular laptop, or figure out how to install Windows/ Linux on my MacBook. The head professor – the one I refer to as the 'bad cop', from my initial interview – gives me a half smile and says: “You have great taste!”. Then a few moments later, speaking over the computing guy, “We all use Macs in the lab”. And then, the cherry on the double chocolate sundae: “You know what? You've already passed!“.

Talk about making an amazing first (or more accurately, second) impression! Alhamdulillah – thank you God! Much happiness. And thanks to Apple too! Let's pray that it only gets better from here on in, inshā’Allāh. :)

It's only six minutes long, and you must watch it now!

At age 14, in poverty and famine, a Malawian boy built a windmill to power his family's home. Now at 22, William Kamkwamba, who speaks at TED, here, for the second time, shares in his own words the moving tale of invention that changed his life.

Don't you feel inspired? And also, flippin' grateful for every, little thing? I am so amazed my his initiative. Bravo, young man! Māshā’Allāh.

I love Science even more now.

Don't waste the good feeling: donate to Muslim Hands education fund, so more young people can have access to the basic materials they need to succeed, inshā’Allāh.

Janine Benyus shares Nature's designs

This talk was about the fascinating field of Biomimicry. I swear, if I had the talent to invent, this would be my work. I love the presenter's humility. I don't know how anyone could not be humbled by the creative genius of natural design, as revealed in the video.

Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the alternation of night and day; there are indeed Signs for men of understanding. Men who celebrate the praises of Allāh, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the (wonders of) creation in the heavens and the earth, (With the thought): “Our Lord! not for naught Hast Thou created (all) this! Glory to Thee! Give us salvation from the penalty of the Fire.” [Qur'an: 3:190-1]

Kary Mullis' next-gen cure for killer infections

A very short video, but intriguing nonetheless. I wish he had gone into more detail about how exactly they plan to target the infectious organisms via the DNA linker (?). I guess I'll have to look it up at some point. I also think it's premature to say “mission accomplished” at this stage, as not everything transfers smoothly from lab work to clinical trials.

Elaine Morgan says we evolved from aquatic apes

Now, before you all go crazy on me: I am not posting this video because I agree with her theory. I just think it's a brilliant example of dogmatic thinking amongst scientists – even evolutionary biologists. Plus, she's funny!

Mehzabeen wonders why the Star Trek Voyager crew (or even DS9 – though I'm not really a fan of that spin-off) never got their own 'motion picture'?

I am not sure why I posted it, because, truly, I don't expect anyone on my FB or Twitter, or even my Googable blog, to answer it… unless they want to point out how much of a geek I am for thinking about such things, which is so freakin' cliché, that I'd be forced to throw a virtual chappal at them for not having the imagination to come up with something wittier. I mean, c'mon!

Anyway, it got me thinking about the last time I actually had a friend whom I could share this gloriously abnormal side of me with, as there is no-one in my life right now. For some reason, girls generally aren't into SciFi, never mind Muslim girls.

To be honest, I think the last time was in secondary school; not even undergrad. Sure, I hung around with student folk who had similar interests, but I wouldn't class them as “friends”. Just people in my extended social circle. (No, I wasn't part of the university SciFi soc).

I don't even have hope for a future husband-type to have a similarly nerdy streak in him; people are just so BLAH. Or, if they're not boring, they're already married – most likely to women who don't appreciate that quirky side. Gah!

Honestly, am I just a one-off here?

Is there anybody else out there?

Hello -oh -oh -oh…? [echo dissipates into the darkness]

Sigh.

Ack… Okay.

I am going back to uni.

Yes, you may now spew out your beverage in shock and disgust, having learnt that I, Mehzabeen, existing holder of three degrees, will be returning to university later this year to attain yet another qualification.

But before you choke on the few drops of liquid that remain in your throat, please let me explain my decision!

A few weeks back, I posted a message asking for some career advice from anyone working in the field of Bioinformatics. For those of you who don't know, Bioinformatics is the “application of information technology to the field of molecular biology” (thank you Wikipedia). Māshā’Allāh, I already have plenty of experience in molecular biology thanks to my PhD – but I don't have the computing skills to get a job as a Bioinformatician.

That's where the degree I applied for comes in. It's a one year Masters course designed to give students the necessary training in programming, statistics and genetics they'd need to get hired. And apparently, I am not the only PhD graduate to apply for it, which makes me feel a lot better.

Believe me, going back to uni is the last thing I wanted to do, but in this regard, it's kind of inescapable.

However, I couldn't afford the tuition fees (approx. £4K), and no way was I going to ask my father for the money. That's why accepting a place on the course was conditional on the adminstration granting me a scholarship – which they now have, alhamdulillah.

So, why Bioinformatics?

Any of you who knows me well, knows that I have a penchant for all things computery (at least, on the software side of things). In fact, I clearly remember back in my undergrad days, lying on my bed, mulling over my decision to study Biology, thinking: “If I hadn't done this, I would have gone into computing”. At that point, I believed it was an 'either/or' situation. Even up till very recently, I thought the only way I could continue with a research career in Biology, was to return to the lab as a stressed out postdoc.

Thankfully, I was dead wrong. In recent years, thanks to the establishment of various genome sequencing projects and expression profiling techniques, there has been tremendous growth of opportunity in the informatics sector. There is a great demand for scientists with the required interdisciplinary skills to analyse the mountains of data being churned out by such research projects; I discover at least two new Bioinformatic positions in my feed reader every day. My hope is to get in on some of that action, inshā’Allāh.

I also envisage many advantages from a personal point of view. Being that the research I'll be doing is mainly computer based, theoretically, I could do much of it from home, making it way more family-friendly than working as a lab-based scientist. Plus, there are global employment opportunities.

Best of all, if Bioinformatics is indeed what I think it to be, it'll mean that I get to do what I love, in a way that I'd love to do it. Extreme job satisfaction ahoy, inshā’Allāh.

At the end of the day, I know it's just a job, and I don't wish to be distracted from the main purpose in life, to worship Allāh. However, I do believe that if I am not going to be a scholar of Islam, then this is the next best way to use whatever intelligence and skill the Creator has given me, in His service:

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “There is no disease that Allāh has created, except that He also has created its treatment.” [Bukhari]

That's why I went into research; to discover cures for medical ills. I knew I would never be MD material, so I chose Biology instead. However, I have it on good authority that medical research is actually harder than practising medicine on patients. So maybe it wasn't such a cop out, eh?

Anyway, confession complete. Be gentle with me please!

Though I had several 'blonde' moments (for example, when asked to explain what 'p<0.05′ meant, I began to mime a bell curve, clearly illustrating my poor grasp on statistics. Agh! That one's going to haunt me forever…), at the end of the torture session, amazingly, I was still offered a position by the interviewers. Alhamdulillah! However, I won't know until next week whether I'll be accepting it or not, as it depends on the funding they have available.

I don't really want to give away what the interview was for, right now – mainly because it may cause many of you to roll your eyes, and think I'm even more crazy. Especially in light of various statements I have made on this blog in the recent past. Dang, I knew this blogging business would come back to bite me one day!

Anyway, it's been a while since I sat down to read a proper research paper, and I have to say, I quite enjoyed the experience. It was a pleasant surprise for me, as in the past I'd find the same activity quite tedious – maybe because I was already tired and stressed from conducting my own research; having to read about someone else's became too much like hard work.

If you're interested, this is the paper I ended up selecting:

Cox, B., et al (2009) Comparitive systems biology of human and mouse as a tool to guide the modeling of human placental pathology, Molecular Systems Biology, 5:279.

In simpler terms: the study aimed to assess the usefulness of the mouse as a model for human disease at the molecular level, by comparing gene expression profiles in the placental tissue of both organisms. They focused on the placenta as healthy samples of this tissue are relatively easy to obtain, and the two species share physiological features. There is also a clinical need to better understand the mechanisms behind the development of placental abnormalities that can lead to conditions such as maternal preeclampsia and/or fetal intrauterine growth restriction, that affect around 5% of all human pregnancies.

A summary of the findings can be found on the group's website. In short, the group identified several thousand orthologous genes that were co-expressed in mouse and human placenta. Using an online mouse mutant database, they further narrowed down this group to a pool of approx. 130 genes that have been shown to display a placental phenotype when mutated in mice; it is hoped that these genes may serve as potential biomarkers for placental insufficiency in humans.

It's an interesting paper to read, especially if you're into Reproductive Biology and/or Bioinformatics. I was intrigued by the number of online resources they used to verify and improve upon their own data. It gave me the impression that one could carry out significant biological research using nothing more than a laptop and a broadband connection! That's my dream career, right there… inshā’Allāh.

If you made it to the end of the video: that's a traditional thing among Biologists when they give presentations; they usually big up the rest of their lab via a group photo. See how many people were working on just ONE biochemical pathway? Admittedly, it's a fascinating one, with potentially huge implications; so I doubt Dr Bassler has any problem finding the funding to hire so many eager PhD students and young postdocs.

During my PhD, the neighbouring lab group that shared our floor was largely focussed on researching one gene. I regularly observed the individual team members pairing off to converse about their latest findings, generating new ideas along the way. In contrast, every member of our group was working on a separate pathway, with little crossover between us. Well, I did have another PhD student researching the same gene set as me: but she wasn't one for sharing, unfortunately.

I never really had anyone to bounce ideas off of during my project. I had plenty of people to turn to for technical assistance, but not inspiration. I have learnt that if am not sufficiently inspired, then I become very inefficient in my duties. You don't go into something as dynamic as scientific research for it to then become one big chore. I may as well return to working as a till girl at the local supermarket: the pay is comparable, and I'd have a far more healthy social life.

Watching the video reminded me of why I love Biology… but also, why I love working with people who love Biology as much as I do. I don't know if I'll ever return to working in a laboratory – but it's nice to know that some loves are more constant than others.

Well, if I was happy to stay in research, I wouldn't have a problem finding a job either, Allahu 'alam.

It's because I cannot tolerate that claustrophobic, isolating environment any longer, that I decided to look elsewhere for employment.

Unfortunately, I am quite clueless as to what I should concentrate on in the long term. I have to factor in the remote possibility of future wifely and motherly duties, which realistically, precludes the pursuit of any career that demands a great deal of my time and energy. This is not helped by the dearth of part-time jobs in my sector (the ones I find are either managerial roles for which I am underqualified, or technician jobs for which I am overqualified).

Add to that the fact that this is the first time I am job seeking as an “obvious” Muslimah (i.e., avec hijab), which does actually put some employers off.

Then there is the debate about whether Muslim women should be in the Western workplace at all. Yes, I do think about such things, and definitely don't miss the regular angst of 'handshaking' incidents, and having to constantly reign in my blabber-mouth personality in front of the opposite gender, all of whom so far have been non-Muslim, and thus don't usually understand the internal conflict that their “friendly” behaviour (and even antagonistic behaviour, at times) can pose for me.

I know I'm not the only one going through this. But my point is that I'd like people to cut me some slack.

Alhamdulillah, I am not in debt. I live at home with parents who can afford to house me. Indeed, if it wasn't for the pressure that they're placing on me, I wouldn't even bother looking for a conventional job. I am happy to tell friends and strangers that I am officially unemployed, but spend my time on other important pursuits – leaving the exact details vague, so as not to show off.

In fact, the only two things that I miss from my eleven years of working are:

• A regular, stable source of income. I am useless at budgeting. Therefore, when I try to save money, it usually ends up that I don't spend any money, whatsoever. Miserliness sucks, and so I do need something coming in to avoid that extreme. Plus, I hate scrounging off my dad.
• A regular, stable source of human company. My personal tradition has been to make friends through school, university, or work, usually because that is where I have spent most of my life. Recent exceptions have been some sisters that I met through local classes, such as self-defense and Islamic studies. But they work/study full-time, which means Mon-Friday, I am friendless, bar the odd evening meet-up.

Yes, it's a little embarrassing that a woman with three degrees, and the title “Dr” before her name should be unemployed, and more than that, is now facing a problem that most people sorted out in their late-teens/early 20s: the question of “What should I do with my life?”.

However, the embarrassment factor is relative. People make me feel ashamed, by inferring that I have something to be ashamed off.

Did I purposely pick the wrong career path, so I'd end up in this position? Err, no…

Could I have thought about it more before deciding to pursue a PhD? Err, maybe? Allāh knows best. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.

I am not looking for anyone's sympathy. More like: I want to be left alone. Unless you have a real job to offer me; then hey, I am all ears! Other than that, general concern is welcome, but making me feel small, and a bit useless, is not. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but there you go.

Physicist Jim Al-Khalili travels through Syria, Iran, Tunisia and Spain to tell the story of the great leap in scientific knowledge that took place in the Islamic world between the 8th and 14th centuries.

Its legacy is tangible, with terms like algebra, algorithm and alkali all being Arabic in origin and at the very heart of modern science – there would be no modern mathematics or physics without algebra, no computers without algorithms and no chemistry without alkalis.

For Baghdad-born Al-Khalili this is also a personal journey and on his travels he uncovers a diverse and outward-looking culture, fascinated by learning and obsessed with science. From the great mathematician Al-Khwarizmi, who did much to establish the mathematical tradition we now know as algebra, to Ibn Sina, a pioneer of early medicine whose Canon of Medicine was still in use as recently as the 19th century, he pieces together a remarkable story of the often-overlooked achievements of the early medieval Islamic scientists.

It is true that the 'golden age' of Islamic scientific discovery may have ended long ago, along with the demise of the Caliphate. Nevertheless, I would still love to see a documentary on the modern day achievements of Muslim scientists; those who strive to seek knowledge that benefits humanity, for the sake of Allāh – no matter where they live, or who they are working for.

Medieval history is interesting, but it becomes more distant with each passing day, and thus less inspirational for the younger generations of Muslims. They need to be presented with living role models that embody the same spirit of Islam-inspired discovery as the scientists of old.

In addition, many people like to use such figures from the past to impress non-Muslims, by showing them how great Islamic civilization used to be. Well, in my opinion, “used to be” is not good enough. The real message should be: wherever and whenever Islam exists, there is progress. That requires sharing present day examples.

A future project in the making, perhaps?

Now my IC email account has been deactivated, and the address is just for forwarding (an alumni perk).

I had that account for nine years. NINE YEARS! Surely I deserve a gold watch or something…

After 20-odd years in the UK education system, I am finally no longer a student.

I feel old and unwanted.

Sigh…

Maybe I should apply for another Masters degree? An MBA, perhaps? {grins}