For example, if he sets it to five minutes before or after Maghrib, that's not a good sign. When does he expect to pray it, and doesn't he care that you have to pray too?

Also, if he is already at your house, and the time for Maghrib is fast approaching, or even worse, it has already started, and he hasn't made a single mention of it – well, it's another bad sign. The same applies to any prayer he's about to miss having spent a few hours in your family's company.

An exception to the rule is a guy who has travelled a long distance in order to visit, as he may have the option to join the prayers (i.e., dhohr & asr, maghrib & isha) – depending on the opinion he follows.

I could probably write a few more “rishta tips” from my five plus years of experience. But I'm saving them up for the book that I plan to publish once I have actually succeeded in getting hitched. Right now, it reads too much like the opening chapter of Bilqis Joneswala's Diary. The story will only be worth reading if and when Mr Darcy decides to show.

“Bear in mind that the present life is just a game, a diversion, an attraction, a cause of boasting among you, of rivalry in wealth and children.” Qur'an 57:20

I don't think I ever really appreciated the sense of rivalry that Allāh mentions in the above verse (and elsewhere in the Qur'an), until very, very recently. I'm talking, the last two months or so. It sort of crept up over me, maybe because nearly every singleton in my life has suddenly gotten married, with other newly weds having babies, that I feel somewhat left behind in the personal life department.

A few years ago, I was on a quest to get married – but it was more like an adventure; one that I shared with friends and cousins. Alhamdulillah, one by one, my travelling companions left for the next stage of their journey, and we waved them off happily, so secure in our knowledge that we, too, would be moving ahead very soon.

Returning to the present, it seems that I am one of the few passengers left behind in the waiting room, wondering why my train is running so late. Shouldn't it have been here by now? Did I miss it? Maybe I read the timetable wrong?

And worst of all, I've become one of them. You know… the 'older' unmarried women, that the younger unmarried women use to make themselves feel better: “Oh, at least I'm not as old as so-n-so”. They become so shocked when they hear my marital status combined with my age. That is, until they realize the expression of disapproval at their tactlessness on my face, and try to cover it up with: “Oh, it'll happen soon, inshā’Allāh”. Yes, thank you. I feel totally reassured now.

Anyway, believe it or not, I'm not complaining about my fate. And if I did, I wouldn't be complaining to you. Rather, I wanted to share how one's perspective on the Qur'an changes with new life experiences. Now I actually feel the sting of rivalry in my heart from time to time. But the verse above reminds me of the bigger picture: it's only a game, Mehzabeen. So be a good sport, and play it well.

Mehzabeen wonders why the Star Trek Voyager crew (or even DS9 – though I'm not really a fan of that spin-off) never got their own 'motion picture'?

I am not sure why I posted it, because, truly, I don't expect anyone on my FB or Twitter, or even my Googable blog, to answer it… unless they want to point out how much of a geek I am for thinking about such things, which is so freakin' cliché, that I'd be forced to throw a virtual chappal at them for not having the imagination to come up with something wittier. I mean, c'mon!

Anyway, it got me thinking about the last time I actually had a friend whom I could share this gloriously abnormal side of me with, as there is no-one in my life right now. For some reason, girls generally aren't into SciFi, never mind Muslim girls.

To be honest, I think the last time was in secondary school; not even undergrad. Sure, I hung around with student folk who had similar interests, but I wouldn't class them as “friends”. Just people in my extended social circle. (No, I wasn't part of the university SciFi soc).

I don't even have hope for a future husband-type to have a similarly nerdy streak in him; people are just so BLAH. Or, if they're not boring, they're already married – most likely to women who don't appreciate that quirky side. Gah!

Honestly, am I just a one-off here?

Is there anybody else out there?

Hello -oh -oh -oh…? [echo dissipates into the darkness]

Sigh.

Anyway, I don't have much to say about it all. Partly because I was asked to film it, so I was too busy paying attention to my camera, to soak in much of anything. I can tell you that it was a very mature, rational discussion, māshā’Allāh; there wasn't really any kind of 'debate' as such, as all the speakers pretty much agreed with one another (even though the panel consisted of Muslims and a non-Muslim, men and women – “Yey!” for social harmony).

However, one tidbit that made a lasting impression, was offered by the entertaining, yet informative, Imam Shahnawaz Haque (Psychotherapist, Teacher and Khatib), in response to an audience member asking why all the attention was being placed on the deficiencies of men – what about women's deficiencies?

The imam reminded us not to play the 'blame game', but instead to take responsibility for our own actions; to look inward and improve ourselves before complaining about the faults of our spouse. To illustrate this, he referred to the following Qur'anic stories:

28 Behold! thy Lord said to the angels: “I am about to create man, from sounding clay from mud moulded into shape;
29 “When I have fashioned him (in due proportion) and breathed into him of My spirit, fall ye down in obeisance unto him.”
30 So the angels prostrated themselves, all of them together:
31 Not so Iblis: he refused to be among those who prostrated themselves.
32 ((Allāh)) said: “O Iblis! what is your reason for not being among those who prostrated themselves?”
33 (Iblis) said: “I am not one to prostrate myself to man, whom Thou didst create from sounding clay, from mud moulded into shape.”
34 ((Allāh)) said: “Then get thee out from here; for thou art rejected, accursed.
35 “And the curse shall be on thee till the day of Judgment.”
36 (Iblis) said: “O my Lord! give me then respite till the Day the (dead) are raised.”
37 ((Allāh)) said: “Respite is granted thee
38 “Till the Day of the Time appointed.”
39 (Iblis) said: “O my Lord! because Thou hast put me in the wrong, I will make (wrong) fair-seeming to them on the earth, and I will put them all in the wrong,-
40 “Except Thy servants among them, sincere and purified (by Thy Grace).”

Surah 15: Al Hijr

19 “O Adam! dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden, and enjoy (its good things) as ye wish: but approach not this tree, or ye run into harm and transgression.”
20 Then began Satan to whisper suggestions to them, bringing openly before their minds all their shame that was hidden from them (before): he said: “Your Lord only forbade you this tree, lest ye should become angels or such beings as live for ever.”
21 And he swore to them both, that he was their sincere adviser.
22 So by deceit he brought about their fall: when they tasted of the tree, their shame became manifest to them, and they began to sew together the leaves of the garden over their bodies. And their Lord called unto them: “Did I not forbid you that tree, and tell you that Satan was an avowed enemy unto you?”
23 They said: “Our Lord! We have wronged our own souls: If thou forgive us not and bestow not upon us Thy Mercy, we shall certainly be lost.”

Surah 7: Al-Araf

Pay attention to the words in bold, as here lies a key difference between Iblis, the accursed, and our blessed ancestors, Adam and Eve (peace be upon them both): when Iblis messed up, he – out of sheer arrogance and ingratitude – blamed Allāh, subhanahu wa ta'ala, for his own disobedience – and only a moment after Allāh granted his request for respite! However, when Adam and Eve realized the error of their ways, they immediately took responsibility for their own incorrect action, and humbly begged Allāh for forgiveness.

So, whose footsteps are we going to follow? The one who has been cursed until the Day of Resurrection, or those whom Allāh forgave, and raised in status, to be the best of creation?

—

I had never heard this explanation before, and it really brightened my day to have such well-known ayaat presented to me in a refreshingly new light. I pray that the lesson therein remains with me always… āmīn!

I'll be extracting the audio from the event's footage, and sending it to the organizers soon, inshā’Allāh. I'll let you know if/when they decide to publish it.

]]> http://imuslim.tv/2009/07/10/dont-play-shaytaans-blame-game/feed/ 10 http://imuslim.tv/2008/10/18/romancing-the-scholar/ http://imuslim.tv/2008/10/18/romancing-the-scholar/#comments Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:22:50 +0000 iMuslim http://imuslim.wordpress.com/?p=907 It seems Muslim scholars of old knew how to make the ladies swoon… Seriously, if this doesn't get you singletons sighing wistfully, and you marrieds gesturing blissfully at your spouses, I don't know what will!

AE: She Was Asleep. I Kissed Her. She Awoke.

Let us join together in offering our sincerest congratulations and prayers to the new, and inshā’Allāh, happily-ever-after, couple!

Not here, silly… on his blog. {grins}

Nikkah is a contract. And it seems to me, that the way that many Muslims seek a partner is conducted in a very business-like matter. One party approaches another with a proposal (a business proposal), there is some negotiation, and if there is agreement on the terms, then everything goes ahead, inshā’Allāh.

But shouldn't there be some assertiveness expressed somewhere? Where the person who is actually getting married proposes in a firm, direct manner to someone from the opposite side, whether it be the prospective spouse, or their representative. Don't ask me why exactly.

It's just that, right now, I get the feeling that many people – well, people that I am likely to come across when searching for a spouse via my parents – okay, more specifically, guys – are leaving everything to their parents. Correction: mothers, aunties, grannies… and other interfering ol' biddles (God bless them).

They're being presented with women one-by-one, like dishes on a plate, with a little taste here and there:

“No, too salty…”

“No, too sweet…”

“No, too much saturated fat…”

“No, too many carbs… I'm on Atkins right now”.

Yes, many girls do the same thing, especially as we are not required to look for spouses directly. Or rather, we'd like to, but would most likely have our delicate reputations questioned if we happened to find someone outside of the normal route {sighs @ cultural double standards}.

It's not only about being too picky. I feel that people who are not actively participating in the search for their spouse are being spoilt. They are getting the false impression that the more 'prospects' they see, the more likely they are to find that “perfect” one… the bowl of porridge that's not too hot, cold, salty, or sweet.

In addition, certain parties on either side (i.e., the “men” who like to make decisions but not do any of the leg work, and the oblivious, little princes and princesses getting hitched), think that they'll always be another better proposal around the corner. Cos it was so easy for the people who actually do all the work (i.e., the aunty network, lead by the anxious mother) to find the previous twenty potentials. NOT.

I wouldn't be writing all this if this wasn't a distinct trend that I have heard many common complaints about. The people who have it easy, are making life harder for everyone else. Like, stop it people. It's not fair.

—

FYI, this rant was inspired by recent events, conversations, thoughts, feelings, wonderments, the marriage revolution webcast I just finished listening to, as well as Half Date's latest drive.

If you'd like to sponsor a future iMuslim patented rant, please contact the author at the usual address.

For those of you who have had to endure the annoyance that is your typical rishta, this custom may make your life a little easier, inshā’Allāh.

Now, how we do it in my community, is that after some initial discussion between parents and go-betweens over the phone, the guy and his family comes round to visit the girl and her family. After munching on samosas and tea for anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour, the girl and the guy usually get to spend some time with one another to ask questions. Depending on the family and their customs, they may sit alone in an open part of the house, or sit in the corner while their family pretends not to listen in.

After this 'interview' period, the guy goes back to his family, there may be some more samosa munching, but usually the boy's family goes home soon after.

What follows is usually an agonising wait while the guy's family makes their decision. It might be a day. It might be a week. They may never respond (yes, it happens! How rude?). True, it is only agonising if the girl is actually interested… else, who cares, right? Anyway, this whole waiting period usually results in unnecessary stress for the girl's family, which may lead to squabbling and other unpleasantness.

But, there is another way, my friends. I have a Bengali friend whose family seems to totally have this whole rishta thing down. I love their system, and want to propagate it among my own community. But I know they'll never listen to me… but maybe you guys have more influence, so who knows?

It's quite simple really. After the initial rishta meeting has ended, the guy's family leaves something behind to indicate their level of interest:

1) If they're very interested, and want to move forward, they will leave jewellery for the girl, and money for the family.
2) If they're like: “hmm, maybe”, they may leave a token amount of money.
3) If it is a case of “thanks, but no”, they don't leave anything.

Now, tell me: how cool is that? I was so impressed when my friend shared this information with me. Imagine, all that nervous nail biting, stress and annoyance is thrown out the window. This system ROCKS!

So, everyone, start using it… maybe my community will catch on eventually. Maybe I won't benefit personally, but my children might, inshā’Allāh. If I have a son, I am remembering this. Why put another family through something I hated myself?

Does your community have any similar time-saving conventions? Please share! I am determined to save others the stress I have had to endure. Plus, I know I have caused others stress too… so I'd like to make up for it somehow.

I want to meet my future husband through the Western Muslim Website … phew, there I finally said it! Although I don't think it's the worst idea, I won't meet him through some future based WM marriage ads – this is a quality publication people, I don't think they'll resort to a “Shaadi.com” style ad page, that is, unless they get really desperate for money!

I have something else in mind…