A Safe Space

// September 28th, 2009 // Blog

I've noticed that I refrain from commenting on several blogs, even my regular reads, because I don't deem them 'safe'. I don't mean that I fear being tagged by intelligence services (I don't think I'm controversial enough for that; though Allāh knows best), rather, I just don't feel comfortable speaking up, for one reason or another.

I wonder, do people feel the same on my little corner of the web? I don't think I have enough readers to warrant attention from Islamophobes and general nasties. But there are many other reasons to be timid.

Which sites to you feel safe on and why? Do you do anything special to welcome and reassure your readers?

Speaking of fear, last night I had a mini-panic attack that took me a while to overcome. I was already emotionally vulnerable as I had been suffering minor illness for several hours.

I was lying in bed, desperately trying to sleep away the discomfort, when I heard two loud screams, one male and one female, accompanied by thumps, like people rushing out of bed and running about the house. I would have sworn this was all taking place next door, and the first, immediate thought that came to my head was “fire”.

I, myself, ran out of bed to my window, looking for smoke or the tell-tale “orange glow”, but alhamdulillah, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. (FYI, I live in terraced housing which is why the thought of fire scared me even more.)

But even with no outward signs of danger, the panic had already set in, and I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer. I switched on the landing light, and selfishly fumbled my way down the stairs, without the aid of my specs, to my parents' bedroom. Thankfully they were both awake as they had heard the same noise. Like a small child, I latched onto my mother in baby bear fashion, expressing both my paranoid fear and physical weakness in a series of incomprehensible whines. She reassured me in her usual manner, as only a mother can. Allahu Akbar, may Allāh preserve her, and make me a good daughter, āmīn.

As I am not usually prone to such panic attacks, the whole experience was an eye-opener. The lack of self-control; the inability to protect one's self, one's family or belongings. When I eventually returned to my room, I still had trouble sleeping as I wondered about what I would do in the actual event of a fire, Allāh forbid. What items would I grab? Would I have time to dress? What would I really miss if all my 'stuff' was burnt to a crisp? I decided my MacBook & my large-print Qur'an (please don't think me pious; I've simply grown accustomed to it).

It's clear that being an only child, I can get away with being 'babied', even at my age. I couldn't help but wonder this morning, having finally 99% recovered, how a future spouse would deal with me? Would I even be comforted in the same way, him being a man? I know most women miss their mothers when undergoing physical hardship, such as illness, childbirth, or the normal stresses of life. Even my own mother misses my naani (her mother), and she passed away around 40 years ago. May she rest in peace, encompassed by the mercy of Allāh, āmīn.

I'm not sure of the point of sharing all of this. It was only a few moments from my life, that seem insignificant when compared to the tragedies I awoke to in the headlines today (flooding of Manilla, droughts in Iraq, etc).

All I know is that sometimes, blogging helps me to reflect upon my own weaknesses, and blessings – which is a blessing in itself. Your reading makes me feel less alone, and maybe you feel less alone too, knowing that there is someone else out there who is 'not quite normal', behind closed doors…

Praise God for all things.

4 Responses to “A Safe Space”

  1. mummyjaan says:

    Dear little sister on the web :),

    Because in this respect, I am a lot like you and get scared easily, let me share with you what calms me and gives me peace:

    1) Reminding myself that Qadr is Qadr – what will happen will happen.

    2) Reminding myself that God is All-powerful and that – if we believe in Him – we should seek His help and protection. Aayat ul Kursi, inshallah, and other dua’s from the sunnah. and I pray that you may be safe.

    3) Nothing – and nobody – can quite offer the same comfort that a mother can. Or a father, for that matter. I’m away from my parents for nearly 7 years now, and I still haven’t quite gotten used to that safe and secure feeling that came so naturally when in their company. I often reflect on – how, when growing up in their presence – how protected and safe I felt. And I wonder if I’m able to give my chidren that sense of security. I hope I can.

    ————–

    About blogging and commenting, yeah, there would be sites that I wouldn’t comment at. But I feel reasonably safe while commenting at yours. I hope that doesn’t change :).

  2. mummyjaan says:

    *still haven’t quite gotten used to being away from that safe and secure feeling ……

  3. iMuslim says:

    “Dear little sister on the web :)” – I am sure you are not much older than me, apa-jaan!

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