Naughty Me

// August 21st, 2007 // Blog

Yeah, yeah, i know i'm meant to be MIA when it comes to commenting on other people's blogs… but i couldn't resist ranting away on this entry. C'mon guys, it's Suhaib Webb! He asked a question – i gotsa answer, yo! (That's my lame Suhaib Webb impression… hehe).

Question of the Week: Why is Divorce So High Amongst Young Muslim Couples?

Asalamu alaykum,

I'm struggling to deal with this one as it is almost at a chronic level. I'm thinking that an association towards the ease and sustainment of marriage should be established (at least on a local level). A course could be given over a two weekend period that covers the fiqh and social aspects of marriage. If one passes, I would marry him/her. If not, then let them try again. In addition, councilors, on a local level, or even mentors, could be assigned to couples to serve as their crutches through the first few years of their marriage. What are your thoughts and what can be done to help the problem?

Suhaib

My answer (which is currently awaiting moderation… humph):

Wa 'alaykum salam

I am currently single, but looking to get married, inshā’Allāh (that is not a personal plug, btw!), and the high divorce rate scares me. It's hard enough finding a decent guy (or reverse for the bros), but even when you inshā’Allāh 'bag' him, the problems only get worse, with the 'D'-word forever looming over your heads. Or is that just me being paranoid??

It's difficult to speak from a position of inexperience, but i think one of the lessons that has to be really driven home, when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship is PATIENCE. I think that is something really lacking in us all (i put my hand up first, to that), but especially when it comes to marriage, where it is needed the most. I think we are groomed on this idea of 'happily ever after', but when the reality of marriage hits, we don't know how to handle it. We think we've been sold a faulty product that can be exchanged, rather than trying to stick it out.

The truth is, there is no happily ever after – in this life. Hollywood, Bollywood and Lollywood have lied to us all. There can be marital bliss, but there can also be marital strife. We have to be educated on the REALITY of marriage, before marriage, so we don't get disappointed when Prince Charming starts showing his more froggy roots, and when Cinderella starts showing her more Ugly Sister side.

Fiqh training is a good start, but sometimes it is hard to translate into action, as it is a set of ideals. A couple could memorise it parrot fashion, pass the 'test', but still mess up, because the wisdom has not sunk into their hearts. I think one of the best methods of teaching people, is from example and personal experience. So brothers and sisters who are already married, and inshā’Allāh, are somewhat content, should school us singletons, and newly weds, on the realities of marriage, and offer counseling when (not 'if', WHEN) things go wrong. I have learnt a lot from witnessing the marriages of close friends, in terms of what to do, and what not to do, though we have to wait and see if i remember the lessons! Inshā’Allāh.

So, in summary, we have to get our heads out of the clouds, and realize that though marriage is great, it comes with many, many, MANY challenges, so we shouldn't expect a bed of roses, past the wedding night (and maybe on the odd occasion, if your spouse is all romantical, māshā’Allāh). )

Wa'salam

Go ahead, call me cynical, but i will ignore you. I am a realist. A realist who wants a happy marriage like ever other human being, who feels inclined to marriage. Preparation is everything, people! And dreamers are less more* likely to be disappointed.

OK, so that last statement was a tad on the cynical side… ahem.

* Oops – maybe that's my internal optimist, trying to break out… *grins*

Comments are closed.

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