The Blues Sisters

// May 20th, 2007 // Blog

# Woke up this morning #

De-da de-da

# Put on ma fancy clothes #

De-da de-da

# Was meant to be girls only #

De-da de-da

# But God only knows! #

# I've got the – yeah yeah – i've got the segregated wedding blues! #


# Don't know why I bother #

De-da de-da

# Can't ever trust ma brothers, no no… #

De-rum de-rum de-rum de-rum

(…They're always bad news…)

# Oh yeeeeah… #

A warning to whomever i marry, and any potential male guests*:

I am hiring 6-foot tall, Somali brothers armed with bazooka-style water jet pistols (food-colouring loaded ammunition, for extra shame factor) to be bodyguards at my wedding. You don't listen to the hired sisters, refusing you entry at the door. You don't listen to the niqaabis screaming at you to leave the room. You don't listen to mothers, or aunties, or grandmas. You don't listen to anyone except those people who are bigger and stronger than you. I will find those people, and i will give them full permission to beat you down, if you come within 20 feet of the doors to my hall. It is not for me, it is for my hijaabi sisters who deserve some bloody fun once in a while, you selfish, ignorant, scuzzy, insensitive, [censored]! I seek refuge in Allāh from you and your kind. Why do you have to ruin everything?!

(I knew this would happen though, so i never let the hijab come off. Asian men can be just sooooo……. {bites her tongue})

*I should clarify, the warning is just for the jerks, among you. I know not all men are idiots… sorry for offending the few nice ones, out there. May Allāh bless you!

34 Responses to “The Blues Sisters”

  1. AnonyMouse says:

    Woot! Rock on!
    You’ve expressed my feelings perfectly… although we rarely ever go to weddings (mostly ‘cuz the people we know are already married…), the couple times we HAVE gone – well, you know how it is!

    It so totally sucks… getting all dressed up… but when we show up, inevitably a few men squeeze their way into the place… snapping pictures of the bride and random wedding guests… so there we are, my mum not even able to properly enjoy the delicious butter chicken ‘cuz she’s got her niqaab on, and me scowling pointedly at random dude with a camera who just can’t seem to take the hint! ARGH!!!!

    Awesome bodyguard idea… I was planning on siccing my little brothers on anyone who dared trespass… but your idea is better! :D

  2. iMuslim says:

    I feel really sorry for niqaabi sisters… especially cos of the food issue. SE Asians just don’t get the idea of segregated weddings… it’s all foreign to them. The wedding i attended was of a Bengali sister, but i think it’ll be one squillion times worse for me… na’authobillah. Actually, i may just end up wearing a veil – the traditional wedding veil – and keep covered throughout, like they did in the olden days. The only real time to have good girly fun is the Mendhi. I’m going to tell the sisters to cover on the wedding day/walimah. We just have to get used to the fact that men = hopeless, at some point.

    Btw, i keep singing the song that i wrote! It’s really funny, and strangely therapeutic. :D

  3. hema says:

    aaw i’m going to have that tune in my head all day noW!
    likewise, we just have all the fun at the mehndi and have learnt to accept that the words segregated and wedding just aren’t meant to go together in the Pakistani community. sigh.

  4. mcpagal says:

    brilliant! I know how you feel…

    I was invited to an all girls party a while ago, they especially invited us saying ‘get dressed up, do your hair, you can take your hijabs off!’ but then there were like 20 boys there.

    It especially annoys me when there’s guys at mehndis – they’re girls only! Even if the card says ‘strictly girls only’, a lot of aunties bring their husbands and sons because ‘where else will they get there dinner otherwise??’. [here’s an idea – at home?]

    So anyways. You just have to learn not to trust anyone! Unless you organise random parties yourself to satiate your getting-dressed-up urges. Biannually should do it :)

    (haven’t read the full post yet so bear with me)

    I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!!!!!! Have you watched the film “The Long Kiss Goodnight”? The guy sings that song in the film throughout hahahaha!

    Okay I’ll go back to reading your post now.

  6. loool astaghferAllah, how can they ignore all the screaming women and just carry on? shameful!

  7. iMuslim says:

    hema: yes, and the Gujarati community. siiiiiigh. :(

    I was invited to an all girls party a while ago…but then there were like 20 boys there.
    ‘where else will they get there dinner otherwise??’
    double :roll:
    Unless you organise random parties yourself to satiate your getting-dressed-up urges. Biannually should do it.
    Y’know i actually used to do stuff like that, but haven’t for the past couple of years, cos of my PhD… i am having a big-ass knees up when i finish it, inshallah – whether i pass or fail! AND YOU’RE ALL INVITED (minus the guys – duh). Seriously! :)

    Unique: You made me laugh! How dare you? :P
    Yeah, i’ve seen that film! It’s vey, vey cool. “Chefs do that”.
    how can they ignore all the screaming women and just carry on? shameful!
    Cos they’re mean… i’d say more, but i’ve already come across as crazy enough. If any future spouse reads this, he’ll think he married a psycho-hosebeast! ;)

  8. God father of Muslim Jerks says:

    Expect us there :D hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  9. iMuslim says:

    Oh yey! Target practice!

    OK, girls… should i Ninjabi strike this guy in the nose, chin, neck, chest, knee, shin, foot or the other area? Or should we just spin the Wheel of Pain? You decide!

  10. DOUBLE O-M-G, I LOVE THAT LINE! chefs do that, hahaha, it’s one of my favourites! I have it on DVD and I watched it on TV a week ago. That’s how much I loves it, but I don’t watch it often, once a year ya3ni.

    Chefs do that, hahahaha. And I made you laugh? GOOD, coz you make me smile ;)

  11. Like in the film, crack his neck! “snap”

  12. anyone who messes with imuslim

    da de da da da

    ends up with a bruised nose

    da de da da da

    and if you’re really naughy

    da de da da da

    she’ll go for your toes

    coz she’s the…yeaaaaaah…she’s got the ninjabi cool blueeeees yeaaaah

    and thank you, thank you very much, eha ;)

  13. iMuslim says:

    Ok, apologies to all the relevant people who care about such things, but i just have to do this…


    Fantastic, Unique! Subhanallah! What good have i done to deserve you? Allah is too kind to me!

    *wipes away tear* Just great! *LOLs some more*

  14. iMuslim says:

    Hey, you have to record yourself singing that, and e-mail it to me! I will love you forever (and laugh till i die) if you do! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? :D

  15. iMuslim says:

    P.S., i’ve decided that if any of you guys ever attend my mendhi, i’m gonna find me some black shades and sing my segregated wedding blues song for y’all! Now you must come, if only to see me make a right eejit of myself! Do any of you volunteer to be my back-up singers? :D

  16. AnonyMouse says:

    “Do any of you volunteer to be my back-up singers?”

    Meeeeee!!! Even though windows tend to shake when I start singining… :P

    BTW, what’s this movie and song you’re talking about? I’m clueless… :S

  17. Faraz says:

    I was just at a friends’ wedding on Friday in which the most ridiculous speech was given … I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more uncomfortable speech at a wedding ever before. I was going to write about it on Irrelevant Opinions, but I think at least a couple of people at that wedding must know about my blog, and might be offended … but I’ve been laughing about that speech for the last two days. I’m laughing right now just thinking about it. :)

    As for the topic at hand … there’s this one woman who often comes to community events and always makes a big fuss about how segregation is anti-women, and she’ll always end up sitting herself down right in the middle of the men’s section while heckling them. So it’s a two-way thing, though admittedly, much worse on the other side of the barrier.

    All the weddings of my brothers were segregated, but there’s always a few uncles and auntis and other people who make a big deal about it, calling us “fundamentalist”. Fortunately, the people who refuse to come because they’re segregated don’t outnumber the people who would refuse to come if they were not segregated, so us “fundamentalists” win out.

  18. Editor says:

    I don’t know why but the mention of Somali brothers as bouncers conjures up images of Gaddafi’s female bodyguards. :/

  19. iMuslim says:

    Even though windows tend to shake when I start singining…
    Oh well, together we’ll bring the house down! *badoom tish*

    The movie is about an amnesiac housewife who is actually a trained government assassin… very cool (except for the parts with the swearing). The song… well, it’s just a typical blues-type song, i suppose, even though i have no idea about the blues genre!

    Faraz: Oh! I want to hear the speech now! What made it so uncomfortable? Bad jokes? General inappropriateness?

    Fortunately, the people who refuse to come because they’re segregated don’t outnumber the people who would refuse to come if they were not segregated
    People will come whether the wedding is segregated or not… it is whether they actually respect the segregation, that is the issue. If these people didn’t come, i would be happy!

  20. Abū Ilyās says:

    Sister, the piece you posted this morning Ninjabis in the News [SisOy], it says [SisOy] but I thought to let you know that I can see and read it. I only noticed the [SisOy] warning/disclaimer when I was about to reply to the post.

    I figured I should let you know.

  21. iMuslim says:

    Jazakallah brother! I forgot to type in the password when writing the post… probably because it wasn’t that sensitive a topic, else it would’ve been the first thing i would have done! Thanks anyway… :)

  22. Abū Ilyās says:

    In general I just wanted to say that I’m very happy that sisters are seeking this sort of training and I’d encourage you all to stick with it, even after this particular course ends.

    I notice sister only classes in various disciplines appearing sporadically on various message boards and would encourage sisters to continue as much as they can with this.

    Baraka Allahu fikum.

  23. iMuslim says:

    Jazakallah, i agree… i’ve been trying to encourage other sisters that i know to do the course themselves, as i feel that i have benefited greatly from it, Alhamdulillah. They are repeating this particular self-defense course again in October, inshallah, but are also doing a follow-on class on kickboxing… Can’t wait!

    There are women-only courses out there, but i feel that this one is different because it takes into account the special needs of hijabi sisters, so, for example, no security cameras. The instructor, Dee, is so nice, mashallah. Just such a pleasant character. I’m really going to miss her! I wonder what kind of impression we made on her? :)

  24. God father of Muslim Jerks says:

    How I raid segragated events

    I approach the female quarters and shout, “raiding party”. That prompts hysteria and a rush of muslim brothers trying to defend the honor of their fundamentalist sisters. After giving everyone a minute, I rush into the female quarters and hug the person I have in mind before the brothers can get their hands on me. Then I immediately rush to the window before my targets is aware of what is happening. And yeah, I usually have my friends waiting with enflated air bag at bottowm :D. In all it takes no more than 5 minutes.

    I did the above 7 times and I was succesfull in all 7 tries. So yeah, expect us there. :D hahahahaaaaaaaaaa

  25. iMuslim :D I’ll think about it! ;) (How did you know I used to sing?) :P

  26. iMuslim says:

    That prompts hysteria and a rush of muslim brothers trying to defend the honor of their fundamentalist sisters.
    I think that was the funniest line of your whole bit! Now i know you’re joking… Brothers rushing to our defense… haha. We’re fitnah, dontchaknow? :P

    Unique: I am learning a lot about you through my random guesses, accusations and questions! :)

    Editor: Another worthy comment salvaged from the spam pile. What shall we do with them? They’re spammerific according to Askimet! :(

  27. Sumera says:

    I dont like segregated weddings – especially if the people there are strangers. Find them real boring :(

  28. LOL@ accusations. I will try to be more careful from now, I can’t afford to let any info leak :p

  29. iMuslim says:

    Sumi: Weddings are boring when you don’t know anyone, segregated or not – but i don’t get how being non-segregated will make them more “fun”? Care to elaborate? :P

    Unique: yeah… i already have enough to blackmail you with… muwahahaha.

  30. Sumera says:

    Because in segregated weddings you can’t escape the bitching women whereas in non segregated you can.

  31. iMuslim says:

    Still not seeing it Sumi… do you mean like those weddings where there are special seating arrangements, with one/two families per table? Then, yeah, i understand where you’re coming from.

    In our weddings, we tend not to go with any fancy smancy stuff like that – not unless you’re well off. Usually, a big hall is rented, and one side is filled with chairs, and the other side with long dining tables. Whoever is not eating at the tables is sitting on the chairs, and vica versa. So usually the guys eat first (eye roll) and then the women. I would say that in terms of the company we keep, things are pretty much naturally segregated, but everyone can see everyone else, and the young people, especially the friends/cousins of the bride & groom, end up mixing it up big time.

    What are your peeps’ weddings like?

  32. Sumera says:

    I personally dont like segregated weddings or functions purely because I see little advantage in them. Most of my family is male – we dont have female cousins and I’ve practically been raised amongst the males of the family.

    Our weddings are generally mixed, theres no prior seating arrangements. You see a table, you nab it, whether you’re eating or not. Families tend to sit at one table – cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Or if friends are there then they all sit together. And thats how its always been for us.

    The men and women all eat at the one time – no-one goes first.

    I really don’t get on with women very well. And never have done. I can about tolerate some women for a wee while; but lump me in a room with them for 3 hours and im afraid i’d rather sit in the corner on my own.

  33. Faraz says:

    Oh! I want to hear the speech now! What made it so uncomfortable? Bad jokes? General inappropriateness?

    I’m not sure they were jokes.. just advice that could’ve been worded better, and some very embarrassing mistakes in names. And some general inappropriateness, certainly.

    The worst part was, the speech was given by the uncle of the groom (my friend), and he still messed up on names!

  34. iMuslim says:

    Sumi: Hmm… i would agree with parts of what you’re saying. I don’t like sitting with “aunties” for too long, cos all they do is GOSSIP, and complain about their husbands, or both. I’m glad that i can’t understand every word, but the words i do understand, i wish i hadn’t heard. The only real reason i want a seg wedding is the dressing up part. :)

    Faraz: We don’t have wedding speeches other than the standard khutbah, and even then, i notice that in my family weddings, all the nikkah stuff normally happens at the mosque, where only guys attend. I only usually get to hear the khutbah at friends’ weddings.

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