Unveiling the Blogger’s Mask

// April 6th, 2007 // Blog

Would you tell your future partner about your blogscapades, if you haven't already?

Please answer from your own perspective, but also read as: should I [iMuslim] tell a potential spouse about this blog?

I'm not sure what blogging means to me… is it something that would be good to share, or keep to myself? I have been more open on this medium of communication, precisely because i know none of my readers know me in real life… or if any do, they haven't called me out yet!

If i let a potential in on my blog, will it affect the way i write, knowing that someone i am eager to impress, is reading? I don't think i am particularly controversial in my stance on most things, but still… i might start to censor things that i wouldn't normally.

Do i come across as a feminist (unlikely), a fundamentalist (perhaps?), an extremist (i hope not!), a looney toon (best not to answer that one, for your own safety)?

This is me, and i would say, the real me, or a part of the real me… but perhaps it is a me that only exists in this environment? Perhaps, iMuslim doesn't exist outside of the internet, and thus this persona would have no bearing on a real life relationship?

I'm not too worried about this; i am just wondering. It's always nice to share information about hobbies and interests, but blogging seems to be different somehow. Maybe because it is an exercise that many of us are not used to doing: declaring your private opinions to a public audience, that may never know your true identity, and thus never hold you accountable for them. But when the identity is revealed, then the risk of accountability automatically kicks in (though i would add that we are always accountable for every deed in front of God, but i think you know what i mean here).

Maybe that's why superheroes wear masks… they don't want to be held accountable for the undesirable consequences of their vigilante activities!

Anyway, I look forward to your input (which can be anonymous, if desired!).

34 Responses to “Unveiling the Blogger’s Mask”

  1. gess says:

    Salaam Sister,

    My advise to you. Do not tell your blog to anyone. Keep it that way.

  2. hema says:

    an interesting question.. i don’t THINK i would do it, precisely for the reasons you stated. i woul dbe too conscious of what i was writing.
    i think the next question is, if you found out he had a blog, would you want to read it:)

  3. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum sis

    It really depends. It depends on how connected you two are at this point. If it’s all too ‘fresh’ then I wouldn’t bother sharing it only because if it doesn’t work out then you may feel awkward knowing that he can tap into your other little world.

    Often if I question whether I should unveil or conceal something, I unveil it if that person is in a position to receive it. Why? Because one it isn’t haraam, two it’s a part of me, and three in some way I feel dishonest keeping those who I care about in the dark. I don’t like feeling sneaky. I guess I just prefer the cards on the table.

    In the case of potentials, things change a bit because sometimes it just doesn’t work and if the attachment grows too strong, then need to distance yourselves rises.

    I think there is one great advantage to sharing this part of yourself with him when the time is right (cuz there is a right time). It is a part of you. IMuslim does exist in the real world because often such is the nature with reflections/thoughts and basic word choices. It says something about you. If at that right time, he can or can’t handle more of what symbolizes you, it’s good for you to both know. Let him walk if he can’t handle what you’re about in another realm (and vice versa). After marriage, there are way more surprises anyway. :)

    As long as you’re being legit with yourself, there’s no harm in letting him see it (again, if he’s reached a point where you’re comfortable with him having regular access to this side.) The problem I see with sharing your blog space is only that you can’t control who visits it when or why and what they take from it. So if you share it, decide you’re comfortable with him being there regardless of where the relationship goes.

    As I like to say, if you can’t stand me at my worst, you’re not worth seeing me at my best. A bit of a cocky attitude, I admit, but it reminds me to take things a little deeper.

    I would definitely share it with one who I thought was worth it. It’s not a gamble at all. Not in my eyes at least. But, we all have different eyes and shape relationships differently, so go with your gut instinct dear sis.

    I award myself an F for being concise, but a B for being thorough ;).

  4. Sumera says:

    Not too sure. I think it would depend on how you feel about your blog, whether it is a place for a general rant, or if you see it as a journal – a place to write about personal matters.

    Also, its about give and take. Would it make a difference or would your opinion on this issue differ if your prospective or your partner shared THEIR blog with you?

    I thought it’d bother me..but it doesnt much anymore. Whatever I dont want read, I password protect. Simple :)

    So all in all ….not sure really. See how you feel about it :)

  5. Lucyp says:

    I think i would not tell him. A woman needs to keep something back.

  6. Habibity, Salaamu alaikum.

    I love your blog posts, have I ever mentioned that before? Maybe :)

    Blogging is an important part of who I am. However, I wouldn’t give someone the upper hand it getting to know me, my feelings, like that. Because what if doesn’t work out?

    I believe, once the person is “official” then maybe you should introduce your hobby. If you don’t consider blogging as an important part of your life and you plan to end it or change your direction once you marry, then that’s a different story.

    And you always have the private password protected posts. Us blogger people don’t!

    I have a number of unwanted people who read my blog and follow my daily life and I wish they wouldn’t, but that is out of my hand and I don’t let it bother me.

    On the other hand, blogging could be a cool way to break the ice and for him to get to know the real you.

  7. Faraz says:

    I don’t make much attempt at anonymity, but at the same time, I feel like I want to keep my personal self somewhat separate from my on-line self. In the handful of occasions that those two worlds collided, I stopped blogging and believed that I wouldn’t continue; I just felt uncomfortable with the idea. Given this hesitation, I suppose it would make more sense to blog under a pseudonym, but it’s too late for that. (Or maybe it isn’t .. maybe Faraz has actually been a pseudonym all along! Haha!)

    To answer your actual question, I think I’d find it rather odd if a potential read my blog. There’s nothing in particular that I’d embarrassed to have a potential read (well, almost nothing), but the whole 2.5 years of writing together paints a picture that might not accurately reflect the person I think I am. It depends on how one extrapolates the information, how they fill in the gaps that the blog doesn’t mention. Some might fill in the gaps with a poor picture of me, others might fill it in with a glowing picture that is just as inaccurate.

    But if things are somewhat serious, then yes, for sure I would definitely tell them.

  8. AnonyMouse says:

    As-salaamu ‘alaikum aw rahmatullaahi wa barakaatu,

    Ooooh, good question… and funnily enough, something I’ve wondered about myself! :P

    I think I’d only tell a ‘potential’ about my blogging activities if I felt our personalities were really similar and he’d think it’s cool/interesting rather than lame and pathetic… :)
    My greatest fear would be that he take huge objection to my blogging… which might seem silly, but to tell the truth, I hate having people disappointed in me or thinking I’m doing something wrong! (Which isn’t really a good thing, but meh.)

    For now, I shall continue to blog away blithely until such time as this problem comes knocking on *my* door (and a part of me hopes that it’s sooner rather than later… heehee)! :)

    Your little sister in Islam,
    Mouse

  9. iMuslim says:

    Salaams all

    Hmm… some very interesting points raised; very revealing about your own personalities, too… you do realize that i don’t have a privacy policy, right? hehe

    To answer a question, “what would i do if i found out about his blog”? Read it, naturally! You wouldn’t see me for dust, as i sped off in the direction of the nearest computer!

    I think blogs say a great deal about an individual – but… as Faraz noted, what someone takes from your blog isn’t necessarily what you originally intended to communicate…

    People often read what they want to read… if they want to think well of you, they may ignore things that they do not like, if they are suspicious of you, they may make a mountain out of a mole hill, etc.

    Also, people change; opinions change. I am sure that there may be things that i wrote only a few months ago, that i feel differently about now… maybe not 180o different, but somewhat different – that’s part of blogging. You put your opinion out there, and then people respond with what they think, and hopefully, horizons are widened (for the better, inshallah!).

    So, as a few of you have said, it is most likely best to reveal a blog when you are certain something is going to happen, or once it has happened, i.e., after marriage. I cannot think that my husband would be like, “OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A BLOG? TALAQ TALAQ TALAQ!”. At least, i pray to Allah that he wouldn’t be!

    It certainly would reveal a part of me that is harder to reveal under normal circumstances… but i wouldn’t like to reveal it, have everything be canceled, and then regret the fact that i am so accessible (although password protected posts ROCK, for this very reason!).

    Hmm… i think i shall definitely wait, for now. I don’t particularly feel ready to mix the ‘real’ world, with my blog world. I like black & white; not too much of a fan of grey!

    Farzeen: “As I like to say, if you can’t stand me at my worst, you’re not worth seeing me at my best. A bit of a cocky attitude, I admit, but it reminds me to take things a little deeper.
    I am liking the cocky attitude, girlfriend! I totally agree… that is one reason why i never wear makeup when a guy comes to see me (or at all, actually, but especially when a guy comes to see me), because i want him to see me at my potential “worst”… OK, this is all sounding wrong! But you know what i mean… i am happy to put some effort in after marriage, but i need to know that he knows what i really look like – i don’t want to be running into the bathroom to put my “face” on, every morning! If he can accept my looks at their plainest, then i can trust that it’ll all be good from then on, inshallah. (At least, until the kids come along, and then i gain 20 pounds! A’authobillah!)
    Btw, i give you an A* for being a writeous sista… hehe

    Organic: “I love your blog posts, have I ever mentioned that before? Maybe” :)
    Hmm.. maybe; but there is no harm in repeating yourself, in this instance… hehe. Jazakallah, deary… all good is from Allah.

    Faraz: “I suppose it would make more sense to blog under a pseudonym, but it’s too late for that. (Or maybe it isn’t .. maybe Faraz has actually been a pseudonym all along! Haha!)
    Lame. ;)

    Mouse: “For now, I shall continue to blog away blithely until such time as this problem comes knocking on *my* door (and a part of me hopes that it’s sooner rather than later… heehee)! :)
    Seriously? How soon, my dear? You’re only lickle!

    Wa’salam

  10. AnonyMouse says:

    “Seriously? How soon, my dear? You’re only lickle!”

    I’m definitely thinking marriage *after* high school graduation! Buuuuuuuuuttttttt, the community here being what it is – very small, and everyone loves matchmaking for everyone else – and me being who I am (“Sheikh’s daughter”, and thus for some reason expected to be married off super-early), I’ve already heard whispers about me and… someone. Probably nothing substantial, but it’s made me sorta hopeful anyway… Ahhhh, just teenage dreaming, really, I guess. :P

    At the same time, though, my family wants me to get married early… ‘specially my grandparents, ‘cuz they’re getting older (in their ’70s) and they’ve said several times they want to see me married before they die (which insha’Allah WON’T be anytime soon!!!).

    Anyhoo… I’m definitely not gonna rush into anything… and I have my parents to keep me in check (especially my mom!)… insha’Allah, whatever’s best for me will happen! :)

  11. gess says:

    I think it’s too young to get married after high school, and certainly not to please grandparents or others, but that is my opinion…

  12. iMuslim says:

    Alhamdulillah – i do not have anything against marrying young, as long as it has been well thought out, and obviously with the consent of the young people involved, with no pressure from outside influences.

    Delaying marriage has its own problems.

    In the end, if the guy and gal have good heads on their respective shoulders, and strong support from family, then the age of the individuals becomes somewhat irrelevant (i.e., no ‘too young’ or ‘too old’).

  13. Faraz says:

    People often read what they want to read… if they want to think well of you, they may ignore things that they do not like, if they are suspicious of you, they may make a mountain out of a mole hill, etc.

    This is certainly the case, and I think therein lies the challenge – I know that my writing, whether on the blog or otherwise, doesn’t give an accurate depiction of me; at best, it gives a somewhat accurate picture of the thoughts crossing my mind for about an hour a week. The rest of the week, every day I don’t post, my thoughts might be completely different, and perhaps expose my millions of character flaws. But I don’t write about that, so readers just fill in the blanks however they see fit, which is likely to be entirely inaccurate.

    That being the case, I wouldn’t say anything to potentials who don’t know anything about me (i.e. I would never use it as an “icebreaker”) but if there’s some level of compatibility and comfort, then I probably would. But one thing I’ve realized is that most average people don’t really read blogs; the people who read blogs are generally people who have blogs themselves. So I wouldn’t be too worried about it if said individual wasn’t a blogger herself.

  14. Sharique says:

    When I started blogging in 2005, I used to write everything about my life. I avoided names but it would have been apparent to someone from my family. My previous posts were too personal. But as I have grown I have learned to hide things. I have learned not to reveal everything because a ‘prospective’ might someday read all the stuff. Actually I have diverted totally away from personal matters and concentrated more on other things of my interest. As a matter of fact I have earned a lot of admirers from various blogs I have maintained, including someone I assume InshAllah to be my better half in future :)

    And I might be very well blogging under a pseudonym ;) (as Faraz might also be)

  15. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum

    I was thinking about this still (after all that rambling..still more to come). A different take on the issue is maybe, just maybe, this entire discussion, including the subtleties surrounding it, is all a bit pretentious.

    I mean really.. we post thoughts in whatever way we want on the Internet for the whole world to potentially read, yet we get our knickers in a knot about a possible significant other tapping into this realm of thoughts. Does it make much sense??

    Straight goods.. we surely censor our writings to some extent (if even just the topics we choose) knowing that strangers will read our thoughts. We’re all just people after all. One would have to be on Planet Irrationality (and I agree, some homo sapiens are from here) to think that any infrequent documentation of thoughts would fully represent an individual or even accurately partly resemble a person. It’s like reading a dude’s column in the paper every week (or day) and then saying “now that’s what he’s all about.” It’s ludicrous.

    So how does this relate to the issue of whether to share or not to share? Well, it really must go down as any other part of life. When it’s time to deal, you deal, straight up. If you can’t handle the heat, don’t play with fire.

  16. iMuslim says:

    Faraz: “But one thing I’ve realized is that most average people don’t really read blogs; the people who read blogs are generally people who have blogs themselves. So I wouldn’t be too worried about it if said individual wasn’t a blogger herself.”
    Well, i told my potential about the blog yesterday – well, i told him i had a blog, but didn’t give the address! He didn’t really know what blogs were all about… the news definitely increased my ‘geek factor’ by about 10 points. Oh well, i know i am… n’ dang proud offit!

    Sharique: “As a matter of fact I have earned a lot of admirers from various blogs I have maintained, including someone I assume InshAllah to be my better half in future :)
    Someone sounds happy with himself! ;) All the best for your future, Sharique (or whoever you are).

    Farzeen:”I mean really.. we post thoughts in whatever way we want on the Internet for the whole world to potentially read, yet we get our knickers in a knot about a possible significant other tapping into this realm of thoughts. Does it make much sense??
    Y’know, this ‘cocky’ Farzeen is really cool… where has she been all this time? And what made her suddenly appear? :)
    My answer is yes, and no… Yes, it makes sense because it is what i said before about anonymity & accountability. No, because you made the same point my potential did yest, that this blog is here for the ‘world’ to see, but i have problems with giving him the address!
    Perhaps because you, yourself, are not writing so anonymously, (i.e., your family etc reads your blog), you are already used to sharing your blog with people you know, and potentially dealing with their reactions. Or maybe you already write in such a way that would not cause a reaction from such people.
    I have been writing a little more freely because i never really thought that this would be something to share with anyone i know, for them to question me on it, or even judge me. However, i have been trying to write like i know Allah sees me (emphasis on trying), which in theory should help to avoid any unpleasant situations with any human being, potential or otherwise!

    Anyway, as i said i have told him that i have a blog… the only reason i didn’t give the address at the time was cos i was trying to use said info to barter for some info that i need from him. He tried to find me anyway, using variations on my name… like i would be that easy to find. *rolls eyes*.

    I discussed a couple of my entries, which i knew would leave me open, but wasn’t caring much. He’s too busy at work to waste time on this anyway! hehe

  17. iMuslim says:

    P.S., I learnt that Password Protection backfires, when the person in question is more curious about what you wrote there, then anywhere else on your blog! *rolls eyes again*

  18. Sumera says:

    Lol. Hence my random titles for my password protected posts :p

  19. iMuslim says:

    I know, dear… lend me some of your brain cells?

  20. iMuslim says:

    Btw, thanks guys for not correcting me on the ‘looney tune‘ mistake.

    It’s fixed now, anyway. *turns red*

  21. AnonyMouse says:

    I was going to… but I forgot… heehee! :P

  22. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum

    Me again. :D

    For the record, that wasn’t the “cocky Farzeen” that was the normal Farzeen, calling it as I see it. As you know, the blog world doesn’t accomodate full personas…

  23. iMuslim says:

    Wa ‘alaykum salam

    calling it as I see it

    That should be your tag-line. :)

  24. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum sis :)

    Tag line, eh? Hmm.. Maybe I should get it tattooed across my abdomen right below “Thug Life”… ;) Hmm.. but that’s haraam, so that won’t work. :)

  25. iMuslim says:

    Wa ‘alaykum salam

    How about a henna tattoo?

  26. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum

    Hmm..I think henna is best suited in intricate patterns on the hands of blushing brides. But you know, I think this tag line without a context has an air of arrogance. We’ll just have to put it down as a failed potential. [We digress much too far my dear. :-)]

  27. iMuslim says:

    We digress much too far my dear.

    Yah… i’ll stop it here. :)

  28. Sumera says:

    In retrospect, I agree partly with Farzeen.

    Depends on how comfortable you feel about him browsing your blog. I think it’d be kind of nice, since it gives him more avenues in getting to know you :)

  29. iMuslim says:

    Salaams dear Sumera,

    He is already browsing… in fact, he has printed off my entire blog.

    No – seriously. THE ENTIRE BLOG. I have the blog stats to prove it.

    He said he finds it easier to read that way… If you think about it, i’ve been published! :D

    Wa’salam

  30. Sumera says:

    WalaykumAsalaam

    Printed it off? ALL of it? Oh my!

    Bit of bedtime reading perhaps? :p

  31. iMuslim says:

    Yeah, my blog would put anyone to sleep… ;)

  32. safiya says:

    Salaam,

    I didn’t tell my husband about my blog until after we got married. He wasn’t at all bothered and now he’s got one of his own! My blog isn’t that personal though, and I think it’s an unwritten rule that I would put anything too personal on it.

  33. Sumera says:

    I don’t think it’d put him to sleep…it’d simply give him nice, pleasant dreams :D

  34. iMuslim says:

    Safiya: Salaams – another blogging couple! I find that quite sweet, mashallah.

    Sumera: Aww – here’s hoping, inshallah. He doesn’t get much time to sleep though. He’s a typical City worker, doing silly hours!

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