Muslim Guy Shortage

// March 6th, 2007 // Blog

UPDATE, 15/03/2007:
Tonight's show is titled: Muslim Guy Shortage: Part II. Same time, same place.

***
When i saw this poster, i just HAD to advertise the show!

A SISTER WRITES:
I've noticed in our Muslim communities that there are plenty of single, religious, educated, Muslim sisters, yet there is a great lack of like-minded brothers available for marriage. Thus, we have sisters in their late 20's and 30's who desire to get married but cannot find a suitable prospective.

Why do you think this is the case? Is it due to the Muslim brothers not bothering about the Deen so they are not at par with active, religious sisters? Or do you think it's a demographical problem? What do you think?JOIN MECCAONE THIS THURSDAY WITH IMAM ZAID SHAKIR, UM HASSAN, AND YOU, THE LISTENERS FOR AN IMPORTANT DISCUSSION, DEBATE, & DIALOGUE!

Thursday, March 8th, 2007
5-6pm on 90.5 FM KSJS San Jose, CA
Live World-Wide
CALL IN LIVE! 408.924.5757

***
I probably won't get to listen to this until they eventually publish it as a podcast, but it is an interesting topic, that's for sure.

I personally agree with the sister's impressions, but then again, i do think demographics plays a part as well. Anyone have any views or experiences to share on the matter?

17 Responses to “Muslim Guy Shortage”

  1. Princessa says:

    Girls are just more advanced than boys :P

  2. LittleLibyan says:

    Yeah! Where are the good guys? :)

  3. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum

    It would be very interesting to hear what comes up in a discussion surrounding this. Personally (and I appreciate that my opinion may be lacking in accuracy) I, too, think demographics play a significant role in this.

    One brother has written an article called “The Weakest Link: Muslim Men” – Part One and Part Two-A Response. I’ve yet to read it in its entirety, but insha’Allah I’ll do that soon. I think it’s sometimes much too easy for sisters to point at the other side and say, “There just aren’t any good brothers out there.” Bologna.. I don’t believe it. There are some, and unfortunately they’re having a hard time finding good women to marry. Ironic, isn’t it?

    So let’s assume that all these good brothers are taken and only the not-so-great ones are left. Given that there are more women than men, we can assume that there are then some great sisters who are still single. What do we do? Dog on the brothers who aren’t up to par in deen? Allah guides the heart, and improving for the sake of filling in a pair of a shoes that a sister has placed for you to wear is not going to cut it. There are both men and women who are seemingly ‘off’ the path of Islam, and it’s important that both get the opportunity to be educated in their Islamic responsibilities. Then, each is responsible for him or herself.

    While I agree, there are communal effects when we have too many single people around, I think such changes should be coupled with the intention to return to truth, that is, obedience to God for His pleasure.

    With that said though, I listened to a lecture by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf which I enjoyed very much. Very appropriately, it’s called “Men and Women.” In it, he said, “Ninety-eight percent of men make the other two percent look bad.” :) What I loved about the lecture was that he broke it down for everyone.

    It’s a man’s world, and God has created men to have the advantage over women in the dunya because men are naturally spiritually weaker. For example, one who is able to cry easily is one whose heart is spiritually alive, and we all know women have much less trouble crying than men. Because of other reasons (including a whole discussion about the womb and its spiritual impact on a woman), men are advantaged in the dunya, i.e. physically capable of more things, etc. Thus, it becomes easier for them to work in the dunya to accumulate good deeds than it would for a woman. This leaves men and women on equal playing fields and insha’Allah we are then all equally advantaged to earn God’s good pleasure, and we all stand before our Lord as spiritual equals. I hope that makes sense.

    Other issues to consider with the inability to find suitable spouses is that women are not only asking for just a good guy. From amongst my friends, there is only one who I could say doesn’t have an additional list “plus a masters degree at least, has to be from such-and-such–cuz my folks wants that, oh, and …….” whatever else. That’s not to say men don’t do that either, but there are so many other issues in this marriage discussion, to blame it on brothers’ deen is something I personally prefer to avoid. Ultimately, it is as Allah wills, so where we cannot change something within the limits of the shari’a, we must be patient.

    But while we are dogging brothers, here’s an interesting article: Brothers, Where art thou?

    What I’d like to know is that if there is a shortage of suitable husbands for our sisters, how many of us wouldn’t mind being in a polygynous marriage (assuming that it was legal in our countries of residence)? :-)

  4. iMuslim says:

    Salaams all,

    Princessa: You are naughty… but i like you!

    LittleLibyan: Well, that’s what we’re trying to find out. I think they’ve had enough of fussy sisters and have gone into hiding!

    Farzeen: Err, i don’t remember making you joint author on my blog… just kidding! Your comments are always informative and very welcome, mashallah.
    I loved the explanation about why men are more advantaged in dunya; was that from Sheikh Hamza’s talk, or your own musings?
    Wrt this line: From amongst my friends, there is only one who I could say doesn’t have an additional list “plus a masters degree at least, has to be from such-and-such–cuz my folks wants that, oh, and …….” whatever else. It all sounds very familiar to me… *cough cough*

    I don’t deny that both guys and gals are being far too fussy for their own good these days. I think there are many good reasons for that, and only one of them is being ‘off’ the deen. I think many of us are scared by the idea of divorce, and the stigma it brings upon oneself and one’s family. So we go crazy trying to look for that ‘perfect’ match, when there is really no such thing… i should know! (And you know how i know!)

    Why there is more divorce nowadays is another big question… lack of patience and forbearance is probably a major factor. When i think about how much cr*p couples of my parents’ generation put up with, in order to prevent divorce, i am both amazed and scared.

    The issue of polygynous marriage deserves a whole blog to itself. I think about it now and then, and i’m not sure i could do it, as i’d most likely be very jealous… but i imagine most other women would be too. It really depends on the circumstances. It’s not even about the level of one’s imaan (although the more the merrier, in every situation), as it depends a great deal on how well the husband can balance his multiple families. Very few men are up to the task; how many can deal with ONE wife in a just manner, never mind two, three or four!
    Anyway, i could continue but i’d be here all night!
    Look forward to reading your thoughts. Let me know if you catch the show.

  5. Organic-Muslimah says:

    No good guys around here!

  6. Manas Shaikh says:

    I think this is a problem.

    In the UK where a lot of women are converting. And everybody knows that nobody is as convinced as a convert.

    Elsewhere men are dying fighting. In Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Kashmir, in Pakistan… the list is long.

    In fact in Kashmir it is a crisis now because the government is hostile. Some 60,000 widows and similar number of orphans. Forget unmarried women.

    Men too have no work. It’s horrible!

  7. Farzeen says:

    Assalaamu’alaykum wa rahmatu Allah dear sister

    As for co-authoring *cough* sorry *cough*.. we’ll have to discuss this over some Thorntons, what do you say? :) — You fell into the unfortunate situation of posting something related to what I considered writing about… (now I’m blaming you, the nerve!..lol)

    My apologies for not making it clear.. the explanation about men being advantaged in the dunya was given by Shaykh Hamza (and paraphrased by me, so the possible errors are mine).

    I listened to the radio show, Mecca One. In response to the “good men shortage,” I think Imam Zaid explained it best by drawing on the concept of “players” among men and how men need to get out of this, insha’Allah and become more responsible. This includes learning to build a strong home.. insha’Allah.

    As for the overall marriage issue that our community (among others) face, there were a lot of interesting points. I’ll give you one point from Imam Zaid and one from his wife that I thought was most significant. Umm Hassan (Imam Zaid’s wife), said that we should try to overcome stereotypes. Instead we should focus on the tangibles such as how we can grow together…and even if a potential isn’t exactly what we are looking for, we should at least give each other a chance. She said being picky should not be around material/superficial things but rather if the individuals can get along — build a home together. The other things are temporal. And I agree.. when we’re talking marriage, we’re talking about an eternal partner. SubhanAllah…what would you want in someone who you can spend eternity with? Not a degree…

    And one point from Imam Zaid… He mentioned that which is more important than rights and responsibilities (not that these aren’t important, but focusing on them tends to make relationships formulistic and mechanical), is committing ourselves to being decent with each other and upright human beings. SubhanAllah, isn’t that what the deen is all about? :) Oh, and one more point.. he said that individualism is very heavy in this society and can render one unmarriageable…

    The answers are all already there.. in the life of the Prophet Muhammad, sal Allahu ‘alayhi wa ahlihi wa sahbihi wa salim. A moment of clarity in a world of smoked deception. AlhamduliAllah for our deen and our beloved, may God’s blessings be upon him.. always.

    It’s all so simple in words, eh?
    (And forgive me again making this comment so long.)

  8. Daniel says:

    The answer to your problem is easy. Bring back polygamy. Now look, I reckon I could cope with say six wives, that’s one for each day and allows me a well-deserved day of rest.

    Please send your resume, a sworn statement of assets, plus a few recent photographs to me and I’ll review the situation, create a priority list and, within weeks, we’ll all live happily-ever-after!

    Hang on, perhaps I should check with my partner first… I’ll keep you advised.

    P.S. Do you mind a man with a beard?

  9. Just Another Princessa says:

    Dearest sis, I haven’t heard from you in a while and hope everything is fine.x

  10. iMuslim says:

    Organic: That’s sad to hear! I’m sure there are some lurking around close. I pray Allah makes them more evident to you, asap!

    Manas: That is horrible, indeed. My problems are superficial in comparison. May Allah ease their suffering & help us to help them.

    Farzeen: Thorntons is fine with me, any time, for any reason! Don’t worry about the comment length; with you, it’s quality in large quantities! Always a joy, mashallah.
    Jazakallah for the summary of the radio show. It aired at 1 am local time, so I was not going to hear it live! Some good points mentioned about companionship, and being ‘decent’ to one another. I suppose the rights & responsibilities helps us to understand what being decent means, but i’m sure it is different for different couples, in that we all place emphasis on different aspects of decency. If the couple make sure to communicate with one another, then they can eventually figure out what is best for them, inshallah. So i suppose it is very important to marry someone who you feel comfortable talking to.

    Daniel: Polygamy (or polygyny, as it is) is fine, but Muslim men are restricted to four wives, i’m afraid. Plus it’s your assets that need to be assessed, not ours, seeing as you’ll be solely responsible for your wives, and any resulting offspring. Beards are cool… as long as it is not a goatee. I HATE GOATEES!

    Princessa: Salaams sis, i have been around, but am going through a ‘quiet’ phase, where i tend to read more than i write. Jazakallah for your concern. xxx

  11. hima says:

    salaam I-muslim
    i have been checking your blog for a while now, as well as the many comments you leave on other peoples’ blogs! i have just set up my blog at
    http://hemasphere.blogspot.com

  12. Linus says:

    i saddens me to see comments from “muslim men” asking for women’s assets. shame on them. i myself would like to marry 4 wives but for the purpose of my personal peace of mind and avoiding the hassles of daily life, i chose to marry only 1… unless of course if Allah has other plans for me…

  13. iMuslim says:

    Hema: Wa ‘alaykum salam. So YOU’RE my stalker… nice to meet you, at last. Just kidding! Your use of the word ‘many’, makes me feel like a blabber-mouth – which i am! hehe

    Linus: Well, Daniel is not a muslim so he can be forgiven for trying to steal my wealth!
    Yes, 4 wives does seem like a hassle. I can only see the benefit when it comes to marrying widows & orphans, and not just for the ‘thrill’ of it.

  14. Mfemme says:

    look, there is no shortage of men..that is a blatant lie…this is another means of manipulating women and deflecting attenting from the real issue…the problem is sexist attitiudes and ideologies…Muslim men in north America are living in the past and do not want want to accept the ever changing gender roles…. they are insecure and unsure…they seek out subserviant, docile and domestic women..sexism is the problem….

  15. iMuslim says:

    Salaams Mfemme,

    I don’t think the point of the show was to say that there is a lack of Muslim, Y-chromosome carriers out there, but rather it was to discuss why there may be a lack of decent Muslim men in the community.

    I agree that ‘ever changing gender roles’ is a significant issue that is causing confusion amongst both men and women. I think old-fashioned Desi men are quite used to their wives being compliant, though i’m not sure to what extent this is still found in our generation of youths brought up in the West – Allahu ‘alim.

    How can sexism be tackled in a way that preserves the dignity of both Muslim men and women? Though i have been guilty of indulging in a little verbal man-bashing, i think the ‘battle of the sexes’ is counter-productive for both ‘sides’. Harmony and mutual respect is what is required, and i think this can only come about through education. I think it is too late for the grown-ups stuck in their ways; we have to work on the next generation. However, i still think boys should be raised to be men, and girls, women, if that makes sense. There is no such thing as an asexual society; we need to appreciate our gender-unique strengths and weaknesses, for there to be balance.

    Wa’salam

  16. F M I says:

    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh,

    I’ve not been able to find the “Muslm guy shortage” lecture online anywhere. Could you give me a link? Jazakumullahu Khayran.

  17. malik says:

    hi, i am from the UK, i am 28 year old male of british pakistani decent, there loads of decent pakistani muslim males in the UK, who go mosque and pray all the time, some british pakistani males apparently are into thuggish culture, i mean they are brainwashed by the american hip-hop culture, you see these thuggish guys is where all the pakistani british girls tend to go after and when things dont go well why is it they start claiming that there aint no decent pakistani muslim males? i mean this is absurd when they are all looking in the wrong place first off, secondly, pakistani girls here when they turn 16+ they assume they are old enough to find a partner, what at 16 they assume that they will find someone commited at such a tender age? why is it that the girls delibrately go against their parents will and do wrong things knowingly and claim later on when going gets tough, that they made a mistake and past is past, when they clearly know that they delibrately created their past? i mean some have dated kaffir men and later on when they decide they have had their fun, they decide to change themselves, so they claim they have a right to marry a decent guy, i mean i know where i have been, why should i consider these girls as my wife? its more important that a woman is decent and shows her superiority over non-muslim woman, so that she may be considered marriageable, but however these type of girls shouldnt be given the chance, i mean who is more worse than the woman who knowingly degrades herself? non-muslim dont know these things, cause they can do whatever they want, so if we decide to take them under our shelter, than its more likely that non-muslim woman will grow out to be good, thats why i am re-considering my options of marrying a british pakistani girl, i mean even a prostitute may change herself, but does that mean we should accept one just because she changed herself?

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